I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
