Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
