yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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