mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
