I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
