Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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