oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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