So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
