I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
