Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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