We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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