We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
