those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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