we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
