i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
