don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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