I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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