who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
