Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
