i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
