we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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