I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
