I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
