I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
