If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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