Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
