Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Randomize
