Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
