I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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