if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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