seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
