no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize