Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
