THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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