Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
