i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Green mimosas i think yes
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
