i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
