i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
