go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
