If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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