I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
