you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
