Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Randomize
