I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
