Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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