matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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