Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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