You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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