I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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