We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize