That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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