Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
