Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
