i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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