Porn is love you can see.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
