His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
